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Newlyn Non Athletico Football Club
Official web site for Newlyn Non Athletico Football Club - The Crab Army.

Kelvin Hearne
Position: Midfield/Forward (Player Manager)
Kelvin is the driving force behind The Crab Army. Most of the players have been on the end of one his infamous telling offs after a hard match, and that's just for not getting him a beer.

Tim Neaum
Position: Centre Midfield (Captain)
Tim leads by example, showing full commitment in every challenge he undertakes. Any 50/50 ball is usually his, and a 30/70 ball is worth having a lunge for. Tim is also the current holder of 'The Golden Boot' trophy, our annual players' player award.

Tim Wright
Position: Left Back
Tim is one of the founding members of Newlyn Non Athletico and embodies the true spirit of this club, in that he is basically non athletic. He is also a sensitive soul, who is unhappy with his player profile, so he has asked that we change it to read "I am the greatest player that has ever or will ever play for The Crab Army. Without my influence we would be nowhere, and I'm the only one that ever puts any effort in or does anything good for the team, you lot just don't appreciate me. I even made the corner flags".

Alex Beare
Position: Goal Keeper
Alex is a welcome signing for The Crab Army. He fills a previously troublesome position for us and provides a safe reliable pair of hands. Come match day his name is guaranteed to be the first on the team sheet. Well, we only have one 'keeper.

Ben Nicholas
Position: Right Back
There's not much that can be said about Ben that hasn't already been scrawled on the toilet walls of the Bosuns, where he can be found most Friday nights warming up for match day.

Ben Strowger
Position: Forward
Ben started as a goal keeper for The Crab Army, but later realised it was much more fun smacking the ball in the net rather than picking it out if it. He takes his game seriously, he scores goals, he's a gooner - what more is there?

Dave Hatcher
Position: Forward
Previously a winner of our 'sticky boots' annual award, Dave likes going on those 'head down, go for goal' runs he so often makes. Rumour has it he once passed the ball to a colleague when in the penalty area, but the jury's still out on this one, as some people think he just miss hit a shot.

Dave Neaum
Position: Centre Back
Dave is the brother of Tim, and we think he must have inherrited the 'calm' genes of the family. Dave is always looking to play the ball out of defence with a side step or two along the way. 'Dead Ball' Dave is also one of our free kick specialists.

Tom Childs
Position: Left Back
From his position in defence Tom often makes spontaneous, breath taking breaks down the wing. He is also famous for his spontaneous, breath taking breaking of wind prior to kick off.

Richard Ballinger
Position: Centre Midfield
 After a brief attempt at retirement, Richard just couldn't keep away. After all it's taken him years to perfect that perfect trip on an opponent that somehow ends up with him getting the free kick. A true master at work, any youngsters out there should watch and learn.

Paul Upton
Position: Centre Midfield/Defence
Paul plays in many positions for Newlyn, most of which seem to result in him colliding head first with a boot, head, fist (Gwinear), post or turning his ankle on an agressive blade of grass resulting in the team being deprived of one of their most effective players. Paul is also responsible for the clubs website and it was the only time ever that someone got the 'chips' before Ben!

Dion Star
Position: Left/Right Midfield
If ever a player deserved a goal, it's Dion. Twists and turns his way around the pitch and does everything but score. One day Dion...

Frank Elsworth
Position: Right Back
After a years absence on a global trip, Frank is back to right the wrong of ending up the 2002/2003 season with -1 goals.

Jon Pearson
Position: Defender/Forward
Jon writes most of the match reports for the web site, a job he has pretty much made his own, mixing informative match coverage with quick witted comments and ...oh sod it - he's the only one that wants to do it.


Jules Birch
Position: Centre Back
Steady and sure, Jules is a defender that takes no crap. Except when he misses a run of games after doing his back trying to get up off the toilet.

Luke Frost
Position: Left/Right Midfield/Forward/Goalkeeper
Whenever Frosty is not scoring goals at one end for Newlyn he does an admiral job of keeping goal whenever our normal 'keeper, Alex, has had one to many the night before.

Rick Gill
Position: Forward
Rick "The Motivator" Gill ensures the team are in tip top condition, with pre match warm ups. "OK lads, lets run to that side of the pitch and back - last one back is a sissy"

Sean Phillips
Position: Left/Right Midfield
Sean relishes the wings and delivers the crosses that our forwards thrive on. He has also sported a dubious moustache in the past and could double for the 118 118 runners.